Waiting!!

I think that if I never learn anything in colorado or moving, I will understand the true meaning of waiting.  I hate waiting; I think I have always been like that.  I am really frustrated with my licensure.  I call myself being on top of things and sending all my information TWO MONTHS ago, and it is still pending/ incomplete.  I have flooded the person who has been working on it email box.  I got tired of the medication which I have been taking since December to regulate my cycles, so I stopped taking it.  I am so afraid to gain that weight back, but it has made the spotting less and less.

I wish people would work on my time schedule that would be so great! I have been on interviews this past week and had a phone interview yesterday.  I now have to wait on the calls or letters if I got the job.  I have to let you know ,finding a job and interviews are the worst things ever.  I hate knowing that when I leave the office, someone is going to be talking about what I said wrong or right.   Please keep your fingers crossed.  I hate being by myself, I need people surrounded by me.

  So I just wanted to vent about the time schedule.  I hope by the end of the day.  I will have an email about my licensed being approved and a call about a job offer.  I still giggle that I live in this fantasy world and hope that I will live happily every after.

More on My Mind

Last night I got on my knees and prayed.  I usually pray in my bed, but I got on my knees.  I usually try and make goals when it comes dealing with God.  It is weird, but that is how I feel I am growing.  It started years ago when I said that I would tell God, thank you.  I went on by saying that I would stop asking for things and say thank you in the midst of my storms. I am now going to get on my knees.  I think it is symbolic to humbling yourself.  Lord knows I have been humbled lately.

I got an email from my mom, she sent it to me and my sister.  I wanted to call my mom, text my sister at work, and scream.  I am kind of proud that I didn't.  I simply took to the blog.  I started this blog to express what I feel like I couldn't to anyone else.  I look around my apartment and think to myself;  I have came a long way, Damn It. I don't need to get sucked into Louisiana's drama.   I remember all the crying and sadness I went through after I left my family; and the guilt they gave me for getting married and moving.  I can't go back to that little girl who wants to make things perfect for the outside world to help the damaged and violent family on the inside.  I am not perfect.  I think if I have learned anything from my friend back home and this baby thing is that I am clearly not perfect.  I should stop thinking or pretending and follow the course that is meant for me.

The truth about me is:

• I love my husband for always wanting to be my Prince.  He was the first black man I met that asked me what can I do to make you smile? I have been smiling ever since.  
• I really don't like my family; I love them but like I am still working on.  They never really considered my thoughts or feelings. They were too wrapped up in their relationships, problems, or complaints towards me.  I can remember inventing problems or drama just to fit into their twisted world.
• I am so proud of where I am right now.  I could be better financially, but I know that will come. I am excited that I have a real guest room for people to go. This is the best apartment I have ever lived in.  
• I still cry when I realize that my body is not working.  I hat this irregular cycle, taking the medicine, and being jealous of every Facebook post that one of my friends are pregnant. 
• I am excited that my mother-on-law is coming to visit.  Isn't that weird?  

 Alright, I really need to start washing clothes and continue the job search.  I have to admit, I love working.  I can't wait to find a job where I can use my frustrations and knowledge to help someone else. Selfish? Maybe?  Again, thanks for reading/ listening.

Collateral Damage

I have been doing somewhat good in my new town.  Still no friends, but I got a job interview.  My husband and I have been really connecting.  We have decided to read together every night, but it has been like three times a week since the playoffs.  We have been walking the trails by our apartment, which I ran into a fox, lol. My family back home has been a totally different story. In our book we have been reading, the author talks about Collateral Damage, especially in the black community.

Collateral Damage is children getting hurt due to their family's patterns of destruction.  In the black community you really don't have the depression or mental disorders.  You have angry people, drunks, or the Uncle's drug use you look over.  I realized that I might be a product of that collateral damage.  Maybe that is why everyone laughs at me for trying to have a baby or the painful tears that I go through because of that dream that seems so far away.  My mom and sister have been fighting what seems like months.  My sister is the same damaged person that I would call myself.  She doesn't try to change but embraces the damage and is now passing it along to my niece and nephew.  Yesterday was the first time that I hung up the phone and took care of my house hold.  I didn't call each one or run and discuss it with my husband.  I simply cleaned up, cooked, and watched tv.

I always told myself that I would break the cycle.  I realized the best way is to work on my family.  I have a wonderful husband who must have sensed something was going on, so he cuddled up next to me and read a chapter.  My mom tells me that every dark cloud doesn't mean rain.  Maybe this pain or frustration regarding a child is helping me not to bring a child into my crazy family.  Maybe it is giving me time to be the best Samantha, I can be.

Revelation or Just a Thought

I want to thank those who have commented on my posts. It really helps to know there is someone out there that feels or have felt the same way I am going through.  I think my week ended very good.  My husband saw my blog and said I never knew you felt that way. I wanted to scream and say that is what I have been tell you, but I didn't.  I simply let him express his thoughts on how he felt.  He told be that he was disappointed too.  I was so happy. ( I know I shouldn't have been so excited) I was excited that I wasn't alone.  He had the same feeling and disappointments that I had.  I think maybe he was scared to express those thoughts with me, due to my crying and cursing the world. We decided to just explore and live in Fort Collins for a while , then explore our options in six months.  This six months have given me a list of things to do.  I am of course checking my temperatures everyday in hopes to see if I am or will start ovulating.  I want to at least bring that back to my doctor.  I have also started to walk the wonderful trails that are around our apartment.  I feel that walking by myself and listening to music has really helped me calm down.  I have to be honest, I am still holding out for that fairy tale.  In the back of my mind, I wish that I will have a success story and will have this wonderful family.  I feel blessed that I do have people around who are trying to help me.  So for now I will vent, complain, or share my upcoming events.  I have made a list of things that I plan to do to help me out of this funk that I am in.  

LIST OF THINGS TO DO IN OUR NEW LIFE IN FORT COLLINS, CO

• Find friends- I think I am a anti-social.  I am afraid to let people in my life.  I am going to make an effort to find some ladies to share my time with or at least a trip to the mall
• Find a job- I hate staying at home by myself.  I can't wait to see what new employment that I will find.  (I have been lucky to have jobs that I love and also teach me more than even I thought possible)
• Read more- My husband and I have started to read a book together  We are reading Peace from broken Pieces. (I think it will help)
• EXERCISE- I want to keep my daily walking and maybe do some Zumba or Kickboxing classes. I think that it will even help regulate me.  (I can only hope and pray!)  
• FIND FRIENDS- Lol, I am really lonely and need female friends.  I need someone who likes to watch the girlie movies, shop, or even indulge in the sugary sweets.  

I think just getting things out of my head have been helping me a lot.  I don't feel like I am monopolizing any of my friends or family back home.  I have a wonderful support system, but their support usually is just to make me happy or get me to stop complaining.  I need to express my feelings without being cutoff or told that I am being dramatic.  

More About Me- Timeline

• Feb 2004- I met my husband working on my Bachelors.  We totally didn't like each other, but I guess all that arguing made us closer
• Nov2005- Ironically we got serious and he enlisted in the Air Force.  
• 2006- Graduated with BA in Psych and then went to Graduate School for Counseling
• Dec 2007- I have a Fiance!! I can finally see the end to the long distant relationship
• August 2008- Graduated with my MA in Counseling; got an awesome job and started planning a wedding
• June 2009- Got married and moved to Utah
• Dec 2009- We decided to get off BCP and let whatever happens happen
• July 2009- Something weird is going on with my cycles.  We tried everything to get them regular.  Doctor told me to get back on BCP to see if that will regulate.  Didn't work, referral to RE
• Dec 2010-  Diagnosed with PCOS, started taking Metformin. LOST 15 lbs
• Feb 2011- Hubby separated and we moved to Colorado.  Decided to really get serious about TTC.  
• April 2011- Told by new Dr. that we will have to do Clomid to conceive due to my irregular cycles.  

As I look over the timeline, it doesn't seem as bad as others I have seen or heard about.  I feel as though I just need to suck it up and wait out whatever is out there.  I am upset, that I even have to have a timeline.  All of my friends and family are having babies with the ease, WHY NOT ME!! I feel like due to me not working I have so much time to have unnecessary emotions.  I might just need to make friends in Colorado, so that my only communicative buddy is not the keyboard.   Is it  too much to ask for the Cinderella story.  My entire family says that I am dramatic; am I being dramatic world? I hate the fact that someone told be to see a infertiltiy doctor; it echos failure and disappointmetn in my entire body. Clearly, I have a lot of time on my hands this is my second post, lol.  I SHALL GIVE IT A REST.

Here We Go

 I can't seem to talk to anyone or no one understands me, so I am going to talk to the world.  I have never really done this before, but hey why not give it a shot.  Lets talk about me.  I am 26 years old and married.  I recently moved to Fort Collins since my wonderful husband separated from the Air Force. I am happy about that.  He wants a baby; I am not sure.  I got off BCP to see what GOD had planned, but apparently he had other things in mind.
I have always done things according to lists or what I perceived as perfect.  I didn't want to be like most women and drop out of school or have a couple kids and end up on welfare.   I finished school, got the job, got the man, and had the wedding.  I thought I had the happy life, but it doesn't work that way.  SO THEY TELL ME!
I have been trying to relax and let life happen, especially since the baby talk.  I was told yesterday that I would have to go and see an Infertility Doctor.  My husband was frustrated at me for being upset.  He said they will figure out a solution; we do what they tell us and hope for a baby.  I was upset due to him not understanding my frustration, embarrassment, and anger.  I called and talked to my sister and she said, well you have gotten everything handed to you easy.  GOD is making your baby difficult so you can know what it feels like to go through something
I am a religious person, but I am having a hard time accepting that.  I don't know who I can talk to.  I am currently jobless since resigning due to the move.  I have a lot of time on my hands, so here we go world.  I don't know if anyone would read this, or this is just my window to talk to GOD more.  This blog is going to be my outlet, because apparently can't seem to get across to anyone. FEEL FREE TO LEAVE COMMENTS. And by way, I do not claim to be an author, so any grammatical errors or miss spellings; laugh off and still read it.