- My aunt, uncle, and grandmother came to visit me in Colorado. I actually had a good time with them. I realized that my mom is a spitting image of my grandmother.
- I am freaked out about all the smoke here near my house, due to the fires. I am suppose to go help counsel the people at the shelters. I am a little freaked out, because I can remember the scary feeling when I was in New Orleans for Katrina. Yeah, I was there. The first time I was to spend a weekend with my husband (boyfriend at the time), meet his family, and of course Bourbon street for my 21st bday
- My mother -in-law and husband mentioned the baby thing today. Scary right, here I am taking a break. Well, I simply changed the subject or acted like I had a client. I did have a client, but needed to rush off the phone.
- Oh, the baby thing. It is hard to get people who don't understand infertility try to understand it. As a counselor I pride myself on trying to understand or at least not be judgmental to others. I have a friend Ali who really understands, because she is going through it. I don't have to pretend to be strong or weak with her. I should write that on a card and give it to her. She is awesome. I wish her and her husband the best.
- My husband has been trying to find a restaurant for us to go to for our anniversary. It is hard with all the restaurant around of to choose from.
- Oh yeah, lets end on the baby things. I am thinking about starting for the new year. I haven't told anyone. I am not going to let anyone know. I think that is the deal. Well, you guys know, lol. Or whoever is reading this.
- I have been listening to a lot more gospel. I really need to find a home church.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Alright, I kind of like this posting thing, hope I didn't scare anyone away. Lets see what is going on in my head this week.
My Family
I thought about my family today and where I come from and how my personality was formed. This is very important to me, because I based my career on how people get their personalities and the decisions they make. So I feel I should let you get some background information about me, just because I was thinking/ explaining this very thought in my Trauma group today. So lets take a trip down memory lane. ( I would like to add I am also writing, because my husband is watching the game)
I was born in 1984. My parents hadn't been married for more than a year. My mom wanted me. She had to go to the doctor and get put on Chlomid, because she wanted another child by my dad. My wonderful dad, lol. He was adopted by a nice family, who I guess couldn't have children of their own. This is a little weird, because his biological mom had like 10 or more kids who she kept, but anyways. He was the only child and spoiled rotten. My grandparents passed away and left him everything. Now in the black family, might not be the same "trust fund" as we may think. He was an alocolic. He would drink beer like water. I can remember my job for money, would be to stock his mini fridge with beer-Colt 45. My mother I don't know too much about her past. Her and my grandmother don't really get along. I won't use the word hate, but it would come close to that. She is the oldest and her 6 siblings look up to her like a mother. As a counselor, I would love to know what her past was like, but my mother will never open that box. My dad was very abusive to her. I thought this was normal until about the 7th or 8th grade. I can remember my mom would constantly try to make everything perfect, and my dad would completely ignore it. I can remember looking at this picture of my mom dressing us all up and my dad had a work uniform on. We were all smiling. I wonder how that conversation/ drive went. She stayed with him for a long time. My sister and I celebrated when they divorced.
Which leads me to talk about my sister. We are five years apart. She treated me like her own child and would be harder on me than my mom would. This ruined our relationship until I was a good 19/20. She had a baby at age 15. I was 10 and I feel as though he is my child. He is awesome. I sometimes think, my sister missed out on how awesome he is. She had another baby when she was 29. I know right, big age gap. My sister's birthday is today-happy birthday! I want so much more for her than what I think she expects from herself.
So lets talk about what I learned today about my family dynamic-which might be pretty self explanatory.
My dad was the alcoholic/ abusive person. My mom tried to make everything perfect. I think she did this not just because of the abuse and drinking, but because her childhood had to be very hard. I don't think the abuse from my dad was the first. My sister definitely the typical older child-perfect achiever until she had a baby, which made everything end. I think she just did what she thought she should. We really didn't have anyone to direct us. Of course we didn't look at my parents. I went between the lost child and the perfect child. I cried a little when I told my husband that no one played with me. I still get teary eyed, when I think of having about 10 first cousins and no one would play with me. I think that is why I feel so uncomfortable around my family now.
Alight, enough with the poor me from a bad family. Has anything else happened to me this week. I think I am going to make that another post, because this one was way long. Well, that is my family. I know pretty screwed up. I think the one thing I took from them is that I did feel loved. I can remember doing things with my dad like shopping for a Bulls starter jacket, or my mom making a fancy breakfast for my friends the next day of my sleepover, my sister helping me find my style because I constantly dressed like I was 12. Yeah, there screwed up but still awesome. I think that is why my feelings get hurt by them when I feel they don't make the effort they should.
I was born in 1984. My parents hadn't been married for more than a year. My mom wanted me. She had to go to the doctor and get put on Chlomid, because she wanted another child by my dad. My wonderful dad, lol. He was adopted by a nice family, who I guess couldn't have children of their own. This is a little weird, because his biological mom had like 10 or more kids who she kept, but anyways. He was the only child and spoiled rotten. My grandparents passed away and left him everything. Now in the black family, might not be the same "trust fund" as we may think. He was an alocolic. He would drink beer like water. I can remember my job for money, would be to stock his mini fridge with beer-Colt 45. My mother I don't know too much about her past. Her and my grandmother don't really get along. I won't use the word hate, but it would come close to that. She is the oldest and her 6 siblings look up to her like a mother. As a counselor, I would love to know what her past was like, but my mother will never open that box. My dad was very abusive to her. I thought this was normal until about the 7th or 8th grade. I can remember my mom would constantly try to make everything perfect, and my dad would completely ignore it. I can remember looking at this picture of my mom dressing us all up and my dad had a work uniform on. We were all smiling. I wonder how that conversation/ drive went. She stayed with him for a long time. My sister and I celebrated when they divorced.
Which leads me to talk about my sister. We are five years apart. She treated me like her own child and would be harder on me than my mom would. This ruined our relationship until I was a good 19/20. She had a baby at age 15. I was 10 and I feel as though he is my child. He is awesome. I sometimes think, my sister missed out on how awesome he is. She had another baby when she was 29. I know right, big age gap. My sister's birthday is today-happy birthday! I want so much more for her than what I think she expects from herself.
So lets talk about what I learned today about my family dynamic-which might be pretty self explanatory.
My dad was the alcoholic/ abusive person. My mom tried to make everything perfect. I think she did this not just because of the abuse and drinking, but because her childhood had to be very hard. I don't think the abuse from my dad was the first. My sister definitely the typical older child-perfect achiever until she had a baby, which made everything end. I think she just did what she thought she should. We really didn't have anyone to direct us. Of course we didn't look at my parents. I went between the lost child and the perfect child. I cried a little when I told my husband that no one played with me. I still get teary eyed, when I think of having about 10 first cousins and no one would play with me. I think that is why I feel so uncomfortable around my family now.
Alight, enough with the poor me from a bad family. Has anything else happened to me this week. I think I am going to make that another post, because this one was way long. Well, that is my family. I know pretty screwed up. I think the one thing I took from them is that I did feel loved. I can remember doing things with my dad like shopping for a Bulls starter jacket, or my mom making a fancy breakfast for my friends the next day of my sleepover, my sister helping me find my style because I constantly dressed like I was 12. Yeah, there screwed up but still awesome. I think that is why my feelings get hurt by them when I feel they don't make the effort they should.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Wow, It has been a while
Let's see I think I have been MIA for awhile, about a year ago. I will try to update you on everything that has been going on. I talked to my sister today, and she stated that she had a blog. I got to thinking, so do I. I went back to read my blog and realized that I was one angry person. It almost brought me to tears. I feel I have came a long way from just one year ago. The year hasn't been great but I will try to update you on what has happened. I promised my sister that I will keep my blog updated and follow her, so here is what has been going on
June 2011- I had my 2 year anniversary. Super excited and I also received my LPC (licensed professional counselor)
July 2011- I got a job working at the local, hospital. Loved the people and what I did. I was doing crisis assessments. If you know me, you know that I really enjoy doing this
August 2011- I realized that I had been on my cycle for about 3 months, so I cried all day and night until my first meeting with a fertility specialist
September through October 2011- I began blood work and test for everything under the son. I have to tell you I was a little offended that I had to get tested for some the stuff, which I knew I didn't have. But they say you will do anything for a baby, right? Quit the hospital, because I got a better job doing outpatient services, money was better, and I love working for someone that closes on weekends and holidays
November through January 2012- I started to take Chlomid, learn oh so much about follicle/ egg growth and when is the perfect day and time to have a baby. But no baby. My doctor told us we should move on to different meds and start IUI. Anyone who doesn't know what that is, it is when they inject the sperm into your tubes, so they don't have that far to travel to my wonderful eggs waiting. In -laws came to town for Thanksgiving, which I loved.
February 2012- Scared, nervous, but willing to do anything for this family. Guess what? It worked. I can say they thought I was pregnant for almost a week, but we quickly figured out it was a miscarriage. How devastating it was to get that call, that I am no longer pregnant. After all the bad news we had to hear for about a year.
March through April 2012- I was angry again. Why isn't things working out for me, so I buried myself into work. I began to focus on doing things other than spending money on the hopes that I will have a baby. In April I raised money and did a mile run in Atlanta for Resolve (research for infertility) I got to visit family and just spend time with the hubby. I realized that he was hurting just as much maybe more but that he will always be my rock
May 2012- The best nephew in the world graduated and was leaving for basic training. We decided that if we can't have our baby, I will spoil the one thing that feels like a baby is my nephew. He wanted an Iphone 4s, and no one wanted me to get it. But of course, the best aunt in the world did. My hubby is amazing, because he knew the pain and disappointment I was in. So he allowed me to spend all our money on him for this phone and making sure he has everything he needs for basic.
June 2012- Here we are. Anniversary #3 is coming around the cornor. We write vows to each other and I am almost not looking forward to what this year will be. I vows are suppose to be a reflection of the previous year and what we are to do different the next year. Today I read my blogs and I saw so much anger and disappointment. I get teary eyed, just thinking about that time. I am writing know a little stronger than that girl last year. I have owned this infertility thing, I have a job that I love, I actually have a few friends, and I am a little more comfortable in my skin. My husband asked me the other day, so when do you think we are going to try again. I quickly said, I don't know and not ready. I went to lunch with my friend later that week and secretly came up with a date and plan. I am not ready to say it out loud, so I will just hold on to it for now. Who knows maybe I will write it in my blog or vows.
Well that is my year summed up. I promise to be more focused and update. If not for my own sanity, maybe so me and my sister can finally get into each other's head. GOD knows that we need to. So, I will try to update each week or at least each other week, but no promises and we will see. Hope everyone is doing good.
June 2011- I had my 2 year anniversary. Super excited and I also received my LPC (licensed professional counselor)
July 2011- I got a job working at the local, hospital. Loved the people and what I did. I was doing crisis assessments. If you know me, you know that I really enjoy doing this
August 2011- I realized that I had been on my cycle for about 3 months, so I cried all day and night until my first meeting with a fertility specialist
September through October 2011- I began blood work and test for everything under the son. I have to tell you I was a little offended that I had to get tested for some the stuff, which I knew I didn't have. But they say you will do anything for a baby, right? Quit the hospital, because I got a better job doing outpatient services, money was better, and I love working for someone that closes on weekends and holidays
November through January 2012- I started to take Chlomid, learn oh so much about follicle/ egg growth and when is the perfect day and time to have a baby. But no baby. My doctor told us we should move on to different meds and start IUI. Anyone who doesn't know what that is, it is when they inject the sperm into your tubes, so they don't have that far to travel to my wonderful eggs waiting. In -laws came to town for Thanksgiving, which I loved.
February 2012- Scared, nervous, but willing to do anything for this family. Guess what? It worked. I can say they thought I was pregnant for almost a week, but we quickly figured out it was a miscarriage. How devastating it was to get that call, that I am no longer pregnant. After all the bad news we had to hear for about a year.
March through April 2012- I was angry again. Why isn't things working out for me, so I buried myself into work. I began to focus on doing things other than spending money on the hopes that I will have a baby. In April I raised money and did a mile run in Atlanta for Resolve (research for infertility) I got to visit family and just spend time with the hubby. I realized that he was hurting just as much maybe more but that he will always be my rock
May 2012- The best nephew in the world graduated and was leaving for basic training. We decided that if we can't have our baby, I will spoil the one thing that feels like a baby is my nephew. He wanted an Iphone 4s, and no one wanted me to get it. But of course, the best aunt in the world did. My hubby is amazing, because he knew the pain and disappointment I was in. So he allowed me to spend all our money on him for this phone and making sure he has everything he needs for basic.
June 2012- Here we are. Anniversary #3 is coming around the cornor. We write vows to each other and I am almost not looking forward to what this year will be. I vows are suppose to be a reflection of the previous year and what we are to do different the next year. Today I read my blogs and I saw so much anger and disappointment. I get teary eyed, just thinking about that time. I am writing know a little stronger than that girl last year. I have owned this infertility thing, I have a job that I love, I actually have a few friends, and I am a little more comfortable in my skin. My husband asked me the other day, so when do you think we are going to try again. I quickly said, I don't know and not ready. I went to lunch with my friend later that week and secretly came up with a date and plan. I am not ready to say it out loud, so I will just hold on to it for now. Who knows maybe I will write it in my blog or vows.
Well that is my year summed up. I promise to be more focused and update. If not for my own sanity, maybe so me and my sister can finally get into each other's head. GOD knows that we need to. So, I will try to update each week or at least each other week, but no promises and we will see. Hope everyone is doing good.
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