Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Alright, I kind of like this posting thing, hope I didn't scare anyone away. Lets see what is going on in my head this week.

  • My aunt, uncle, and grandmother came to visit me in Colorado. I actually had a good time with them. I realized that my mom is a spitting image of my grandmother.
  • I am freaked out about all the smoke here near my house, due to the fires. I am suppose to go help counsel the people at the shelters. I am a little freaked out, because I can remember the scary feeling when I was in New Orleans for Katrina. Yeah, I was there. The first time I was to spend a weekend with my husband (boyfriend at the time), meet his family, and of course Bourbon street for my 21st bday
  • My mother -in-law and husband mentioned the baby thing today. Scary right, here I am taking a break. Well, I simply changed the subject or acted like I had a client. I did have a client, but needed to rush off the phone. 
  • Oh, the baby thing. It is hard to get people who don't understand infertility try to understand it. As a counselor I pride myself on trying to understand or at least not be judgmental to others. I have a friend Ali who really understands, because she is going through it. I don't have to pretend to be strong or weak with her. I should write that on a card and give it to her. She is awesome. I wish her and her husband the best. 
  • My husband has been trying to find a restaurant for us to go to for our anniversary. It is hard with all the restaurant around of to choose from.
  • Oh yeah, lets end on the baby things. I am thinking about starting for the new year. I haven't told anyone. I am not going to let anyone know. I think that is the deal. Well, you guys know, lol. Or whoever is reading this. 
  • I have been listening to a lot more gospel. I really need to find a home church.

My Family

I thought about my family today and where I come from and how my personality was formed. This is very important to me, because I based my career on how people get their personalities and the decisions they make. So I feel I should let you get some background information about me, just because I was thinking/ explaining this very thought in my Trauma group today. So lets take a trip down memory lane. ( I would like to add I am also writing, because my husband is watching the game)

I was born in 1984. My parents hadn't been married for more than a year. My mom wanted me. She had to go to the doctor and get put on Chlomid, because she wanted another child by my dad. My wonderful dad, lol. He was adopted by a nice family, who I guess couldn't have children of their own. This is a little weird, because his biological mom had like 10 or more kids who she kept, but anyways. He was the only child and spoiled rotten. My grandparents passed away and left him everything. Now in the black family, might not be the same "trust fund" as we may think. He was an alocolic. He would drink beer like water. I can remember my job for money, would be to stock his mini fridge with beer-Colt 45. My mother I don't know too much about her past. Her and my grandmother don't really get along. I won't use the word hate, but it would come close to that. She is the oldest and her 6 siblings look up to her like a mother. As a counselor, I would love to know what her past was like, but my mother will never open that box. My dad was very abusive to her. I thought this was normal until about the 7th or 8th grade. I can remember my mom would constantly try to make everything perfect, and my dad would completely ignore it.  I can remember looking at this picture of my mom dressing us all up and my dad had a work uniform on. We were all smiling. I wonder how that conversation/ drive went. She stayed with him for a long time. My sister and I celebrated when they divorced.

Which leads me to talk about my sister. We are five years apart. She treated me like her own child and would be harder on me than my mom would. This ruined our relationship until I was a good 19/20. She had a baby at age 15. I was 10 and I feel as though he is my child. He is awesome. I sometimes think, my sister missed out on how awesome he is. She had another baby when she was 29. I know right, big age gap. My sister's birthday is today-happy birthday! I want so much more for her than what I think she expects from herself.

So lets talk about what I learned today about my family dynamic-which might be pretty self explanatory.
My dad was the alcoholic/ abusive person. My mom tried to make everything perfect. I think she did this not just because of the abuse and drinking, but because her childhood had to be very hard. I don't think the abuse from my dad was the first. My sister definitely the typical older child-perfect achiever until she had a baby, which made everything end. I think she just did what she thought she should. We really didn't have anyone to direct us. Of course we didn't look at my parents. I went between the lost child and the perfect child. I cried a little when I told my husband that no one played with me. I still get teary eyed, when I think of having about 10 first cousins and no one would play with me. I think that is why I feel so uncomfortable around my family now.

Alight, enough with the poor me from a bad family. Has anything else happened to me this week. I think I am going to make that another post, because this one was way long. Well, that is my family. I know pretty screwed up. I think the one thing I took from them is that I did feel loved. I can remember doing things with my dad like shopping for a Bulls starter jacket, or my mom making a fancy breakfast for my friends the next day of my sleepover, my sister helping me find my style because I constantly dressed like I was 12. Yeah, there screwed up but still awesome. I think that is why my feelings get hurt by them when I feel they don't make the effort they should.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Wow, It has been a while

Let's see I think I have been MIA for awhile, about a year ago. I will try to update you on everything that has been going on. I talked to my sister today, and she stated that she had a blog. I got to thinking, so do I. I went back to read my blog and realized that I was one angry person. It almost brought me to tears. I feel I have came a long way from just one year ago. The year hasn't been great but I will try to update you on what has happened. I promised my sister that I will keep my blog updated and follow her, so here is what has been going on

June 2011- I had my 2 year anniversary. Super excited and I also received my LPC (licensed professional counselor)

July 2011- I got a job working at the local, hospital. Loved the people and what I did. I was doing crisis assessments. If you know me, you know that I really enjoy doing this

August 2011- I realized that I had been on my cycle for about 3 months, so I cried all day and night until my first meeting with a fertility specialist

September through October 2011- I began blood work and test for everything under the son. I have to tell you I was a little offended that I had to get tested for some the stuff, which I knew I didn't have. But they say you will do anything for a baby, right? Quit the hospital, because I got a better job doing outpatient services, money was better, and I love working for someone that closes on weekends and holidays

November through January 2012- I started to take Chlomid, learn oh so much about follicle/ egg growth and when is the perfect day and time to have a baby. But no baby. My doctor told us we should move on to different meds and start IUI. Anyone who doesn't know what that is, it is when they inject the sperm into your tubes, so they don't have that far to travel to my wonderful eggs waiting.  In -laws came to town for Thanksgiving, which I loved.

February 2012- Scared, nervous, but willing to do anything for this family. Guess what? It worked. I can say they thought I was pregnant for  almost a week, but we quickly figured out it was a miscarriage. How devastating it was to get that call, that I am no longer pregnant. After all the bad news we had to hear for about a year.

March through April 2012- I was angry again. Why isn't things working out for me, so I buried myself into work. I began to focus on doing things other than spending money on the hopes that I will have a baby. In April I raised money and did a mile run in Atlanta for Resolve (research for infertility) I got to visit family and just spend time with the hubby. I realized that he was hurting just as much maybe more but that he will always be my rock

May 2012- The best nephew in the world graduated and was leaving for basic training. We decided that if we can't have our baby, I will spoil the one thing that feels like a baby is my nephew. He wanted an Iphone 4s, and no one wanted me to get it. But of course, the best aunt in the world did. My hubby is amazing, because he knew the pain and disappointment I was in. So he allowed me to spend all our money on him for this phone and making sure he has everything he needs for basic.

June 2012- Here we are. Anniversary #3 is coming around the cornor. We write vows to each other and I am almost not looking forward to what this year will be. I vows are suppose to be a reflection of the previous year and what we are to do different the next year.  Today I read my blogs and I saw so much anger and disappointment. I get teary eyed, just thinking about that time. I am writing know a little stronger than that girl last year. I have owned this infertility thing, I have a job that I love, I actually have a few friends, and I am a little more comfortable in my skin.  My husband asked me the other day, so when do you think we are going to try again. I quickly said, I don't know and not ready. I went to lunch with my friend later that week and secretly came up with a date and plan. I am not ready to say it out loud, so I will just hold on to it for now. Who knows maybe I will write it in my blog or vows.

Well that is my year summed up. I promise to be more focused and update. If not for my own sanity, maybe so me and my sister can finally get into each other's head. GOD knows that we need to. So, I will try to update each week or at least each other week, but no promises and we will see. Hope everyone is doing good.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


I think that if I never learn anything in colorado or moving, I will understand the true meaning of waiting.  I hate waiting; I think I have always been like that.  I am really frustrated with my licensure.  I call myself being on top of things and sending all my information TWO MONTHS ago, and it is still pending/ incomplete.  I have flooded the person who has been working on it email box.  I got tired of the medication which I have been taking since December to regulate my cycles, so I stopped taking it.  I am so afraid to gain that weight back, but it has made the spotting less and less.

I wish people would work on my time schedule that would be so great! I have been on interviews this past week and had a phone interview yesterday.  I now have to wait on the calls or letters if I got the job.  I have to let you know ,finding a job and interviews are the worst things ever.  I hate knowing that when I leave the office, someone is going to be talking about what I said wrong or right.   Please keep your fingers crossed.  I hate being by myself, I need people surrounded by me.

  So I just wanted to vent about the time schedule.  I hope by the end of the day.  I will have an email about my licensed being approved and a call about a job offer.  I still giggle that I live in this fantasy world and hope that I will live happily every after.

Monday, May 16, 2011

More on My Mind

Last night I got on my knees and prayed.  I usually pray in my bed, but I got on my knees.  I usually try and make goals when it comes dealing with God.  It is weird, but that is how I feel I am growing.  It started years ago when I said that I would tell God, thank you.  I went on by saying that I would stop asking for things and say thank you in the midst of my storms. I am now going to get on my knees.  I think it is symbolic to humbling yourself.  Lord knows I have been humbled lately.

I got an email from my mom, she sent it to me and my sister.  I wanted to call my mom, text my sister at work, and scream.  I am kind of proud that I didn't.  I simply took to the blog.  I started this blog to express what I feel like I couldn't to anyone else.  I look around my apartment and think to myself;  I have came a long way, Damn It. I don't need to get sucked into Louisiana's drama.   I remember all the crying and sadness I went through after I left my family; and the guilt they gave me for getting married and moving.  I can't go back to that little girl who wants to make things perfect for the outside world to help the damaged and violent family on the inside.  I am not perfect.  I think if I have learned anything from my friend back home and this baby thing is that I am clearly not perfect.  I should stop thinking or pretending and follow the course that is meant for me.

The truth about me is:

  • I love my husband for always wanting to be my Prince.  He was the first black man I met that asked me what can I do to make you smile? I have been smiling ever since.  
  • I really don't like my family; I love them but like I am still working on.  They never really considered my thoughts or feelings. They were too wrapped up in their relationships, problems, or complaints towards me.  I can remember inventing problems or drama just to fit into their twisted world.
  • I am so proud of where I am right now.  I could be better financially, but I know that will come. I am excited that I have a real guest room for people to go. This is the best apartment I have ever lived in.  
  • I still cry when I realize that my body is not working.  I hat this irregular cycle, taking the medicine, and being jealous of every Facebook post that one of my friends are pregnant. 
  • I am excited that my mother-on-law is coming to visit.  Isn't that weird?  

 Alright, I really need to start washing clothes and continue the job search.  I have to admit, I love working.  I can't wait to find a job where I can use my frustrations and knowledge to help someone else. Selfish? Maybe?  Again, thanks for reading/ listening.

Collateral Damage

I have been doing somewhat good in my new town.  Still no friends, but I got a job interview.  My husband and I have been really connecting.  We have decided to read together every night, but it has been like three times a week since the playoffs.  We have been walking the trails by our apartment, which I ran into a fox, lol. My family back home has been a totally different story. In our book we have been reading, the author talks about Collateral Damage, especially in the black community.

Collateral Damage is children getting hurt due to their family's patterns of destruction.  In the black community you really don't have the depression or mental disorders.  You have angry people, drunks, or the Uncle's drug use you look over.  I realized that I might be a product of that collateral damage.  Maybe that is why everyone laughs at me for trying to have a baby or the painful tears that I go through because of that dream that seems so far away.  My mom and sister have been fighting what seems like months.  My sister is the same damaged person that I would call myself.  She doesn't try to change but embraces the damage and is now passing it along to my niece and nephew.  Yesterday was the first time that I hung up the phone and took care of my house hold.  I didn't call each one or run and discuss it with my husband.  I simply cleaned up, cooked, and watched tv.

I always told myself that I would break the cycle.  I realized the best way is to work on my family.  I have a wonderful husband who must have sensed something was going on, so he cuddled up next to me and read a chapter.  My mom tells me that every dark cloud doesn't mean rain.  Maybe this pain or frustration regarding a child is helping me not to bring a child into my crazy family.  Maybe it is giving me time to be the best Samantha, I can be.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Revelation or Just a Thought

I want to thank those who have commented on my posts. It really helps to know there is someone out there that feels or have felt the same way I am going through.  I think my week ended very good.  My husband saw my blog and said I never knew you felt that way. I wanted to scream and say that is what I have been tell you, but I didn't.  I simply let him express his thoughts on how he felt.  He told be that he was disappointed too.  I was so happy. ( I know I shouldn't have been so excited) I was excited that I wasn't alone.  He had the same feeling and disappointments that I had.  I think maybe he was scared to express those thoughts with me, due to my crying and cursing the world. We decided to just explore and live in Fort Collins for a while , then explore our options in six months.  This six months have given me a list of things to do.  I am of course checking my temperatures everyday in hopes to see if I am or will start ovulating.  I want to at least bring that back to my doctor.  I have also started to walk the wonderful trails that are around our apartment.  I feel that walking by myself and listening to music has really helped me calm down.  I have to be honest, I am still holding out for that fairy tale.  In the back of my mind, I wish that I will have a success story and will have this wonderful family.  I feel blessed that I do have people around who are trying to help me.  So for now I will vent, complain, or share my upcoming events.  I have made a list of things that I plan to do to help me out of this funk that I am in.  

  • Find friends- I think I am a anti-social.  I am afraid to let people in my life.  I am going to make an effort to find some ladies to share my time with or at least a trip to the mall
  • Find a job- I hate staying at home by myself.  I can't wait to see what new employment that I will find.  (I have been lucky to have jobs that I love and also teach me more than even I thought possible)
  • Read more- My husband and I have started to read a book together  We are reading Peace from broken Pieces. (I think it will help)
  • EXERCISE- I want to keep my daily walking and maybe do some Zumba or Kickboxing classes. I think that it will even help regulate me.  (I can only hope and pray!)  
  • FIND FRIENDS- Lol, I am really lonely and need female friends.  I need someone who likes to watch the girlie movies, shop, or even indulge in the sugary sweets.  
I think just getting things out of my head have been helping me a lot.  I don't feel like I am monopolizing any of my friends or family back home.  I have a wonderful support system, but their support usually is just to make me happy or get me to stop complaining.  I need to express my feelings without being cutoff or told that I am being dramatic.