My Family

I thought about my family today and where I come from and how my personality was formed. This is very important to me, because I based my career on how people get their personalities and the decisions they make. So I feel I should let you get some background information about me, just because I was thinking/ explaining this very thought in my Trauma group today. So lets take a trip down memory lane. ( I would like to add I am also writing, because my husband is watching the game)

I was born in 1984. My parents hadn't been married for more than a year. My mom wanted me. She had to go to the doctor and get put on Chlomid, because she wanted another child by my dad. My wonderful dad, lol. He was adopted by a nice family, who I guess couldn't have children of their own. This is a little weird, because his biological mom had like 10 or more kids who she kept, but anyways. He was the only child and spoiled rotten. My grandparents passed away and left him everything. Now in the black family, might not be the same "trust fund" as we may think. He was an alocolic. He would drink beer like water. I can remember my job for money, would be to stock his mini fridge with beer-Colt 45. My mother I don't know too much about her past. Her and my grandmother don't really get along. I won't use the word hate, but it would come close to that. She is the oldest and her 6 siblings look up to her like a mother. As a counselor, I would love to know what her past was like, but my mother will never open that box. My dad was very abusive to her. I thought this was normal until about the 7th or 8th grade. I can remember my mom would constantly try to make everything perfect, and my dad would completely ignore it.  I can remember looking at this picture of my mom dressing us all up and my dad had a work uniform on. We were all smiling. I wonder how that conversation/ drive went. She stayed with him for a long time. My sister and I celebrated when they divorced.

Which leads me to talk about my sister. We are five years apart. She treated me like her own child and would be harder on me than my mom would. This ruined our relationship until I was a good 19/20. She had a baby at age 15. I was 10 and I feel as though he is my child. He is awesome. I sometimes think, my sister missed out on how awesome he is. She had another baby when she was 29. I know right, big age gap. My sister's birthday is today-happy birthday! I want so much more for her than what I think she expects from herself.

So lets talk about what I learned today about my family dynamic-which might be pretty self explanatory.
My dad was the alcoholic/ abusive person. My mom tried to make everything perfect. I think she did this not just because of the abuse and drinking, but because her childhood had to be very hard. I don't think the abuse from my dad was the first. My sister definitely the typical older child-perfect achiever until she had a baby, which made everything end. I think she just did what she thought she should. We really didn't have anyone to direct us. Of course we didn't look at my parents. I went between the lost child and the perfect child. I cried a little when I told my husband that no one played with me. I still get teary eyed, when I think of having about 10 first cousins and no one would play with me. I think that is why I feel so uncomfortable around my family now.

Alight, enough with the poor me from a bad family. Has anything else happened to me this week. I think I am going to make that another post, because this one was way long. Well, that is my family. I know pretty screwed up. I think the one thing I took from them is that I did feel loved. I can remember doing things with my dad like shopping for a Bulls starter jacket, or my mom making a fancy breakfast for my friends the next day of my sleepover, my sister helping me find my style because I constantly dressed like I was 12. Yeah, there screwed up but still awesome. I think that is why my feelings get hurt by them when I feel they don't make the effort they should.