Collateral Damage

I have been doing somewhat good in my new town.  Still no friends, but I got a job interview.  My husband and I have been really connecting.  We have decided to read together every night, but it has been like three times a week since the playoffs.  We have been walking the trails by our apartment, which I ran into a fox, lol. My family back home has been a totally different story. In our book we have been reading, the author talks about Collateral Damage, especially in the black community.

Collateral Damage is children getting hurt due to their family's patterns of destruction.  In the black community you really don't have the depression or mental disorders.  You have angry people, drunks, or the Uncle's drug use you look over.  I realized that I might be a product of that collateral damage.  Maybe that is why everyone laughs at me for trying to have a baby or the painful tears that I go through because of that dream that seems so far away.  My mom and sister have been fighting what seems like months.  My sister is the same damaged person that I would call myself.  She doesn't try to change but embraces the damage and is now passing it along to my niece and nephew.  Yesterday was the first time that I hung up the phone and took care of my house hold.  I didn't call each one or run and discuss it with my husband.  I simply cleaned up, cooked, and watched tv.

I always told myself that I would break the cycle.  I realized the best way is to work on my family.  I have a wonderful husband who must have sensed something was going on, so he cuddled up next to me and read a chapter.  My mom tells me that every dark cloud doesn't mean rain.  Maybe this pain or frustration regarding a child is helping me not to bring a child into my crazy family.  Maybe it is giving me time to be the best Samantha, I can be.