More on My Mind

Last night I got on my knees and prayed.  I usually pray in my bed, but I got on my knees.  I usually try and make goals when it comes dealing with God.  It is weird, but that is how I feel I am growing.  It started years ago when I said that I would tell God, thank you.  I went on by saying that I would stop asking for things and say thank you in the midst of my storms. I am now going to get on my knees.  I think it is symbolic to humbling yourself.  Lord knows I have been humbled lately.

I got an email from my mom, she sent it to me and my sister.  I wanted to call my mom, text my sister at work, and scream.  I am kind of proud that I didn't.  I simply took to the blog.  I started this blog to express what I feel like I couldn't to anyone else.  I look around my apartment and think to myself;  I have came a long way, Damn It. I don't need to get sucked into Louisiana's drama.   I remember all the crying and sadness I went through after I left my family; and the guilt they gave me for getting married and moving.  I can't go back to that little girl who wants to make things perfect for the outside world to help the damaged and violent family on the inside.  I am not perfect.  I think if I have learned anything from my friend back home and this baby thing is that I am clearly not perfect.  I should stop thinking or pretending and follow the course that is meant for me.

The truth about me is:

• I love my husband for always wanting to be my Prince.  He was the first black man I met that asked me what can I do to make you smile? I have been smiling ever since.  
• I really don't like my family; I love them but like I am still working on.  They never really considered my thoughts or feelings. They were too wrapped up in their relationships, problems, or complaints towards me.  I can remember inventing problems or drama just to fit into their twisted world.
• I am so proud of where I am right now.  I could be better financially, but I know that will come. I am excited that I have a real guest room for people to go. This is the best apartment I have ever lived in.  
• I still cry when I realize that my body is not working.  I hat this irregular cycle, taking the medicine, and being jealous of every Facebook post that one of my friends are pregnant. 
• I am excited that my mother-on-law is coming to visit.  Isn't that weird?  

 Alright, I really need to start washing clothes and continue the job search.  I have to admit, I love working.  I can't wait to find a job where I can use my frustrations and knowledge to help someone else. Selfish? Maybe?  Again, thanks for reading/ listening.